MarySue Stories: What Really Happened
by DDR Freak
Summary: In this fanfiction you will read about Mary-Sues that attempted to enter Middle-earth, but are thwarted at every turn. It's my attempt at being funny.
1. Alexandria and Phoenix

Mary-Sue Stories: What Really Happened  
  
By: DDR Freak  
  
[Author's Note-I do not own Lord of the Rings. It belongs to Tolkien and New Line Cinema. No disrespect is intended, only some humor. All the horrendous grammar mistakes are intentional. It's only for your entertainment. And now, the story.]  
  
Alexandria Silversong was your average incredibly-beautiful- absolutely-perfect-in-every-way-disgustingly-optimistic teenage girl. Her hair was like gold-colored.um.gold, her eyes were of the most brilliant violet, her skin was slightly tanned, and she was surrounded by cheesy synonyms. She was obsessed about Lord of the Rings (surprise, surprise!). Her best friend was Phoenix Darksky, who was also gorgeous and perfect, but she was dark and pessimistic, as well. Her hair was dark as night, her eyes were of a deep green, her skin was unnaturally pale, and she was surrounded by not just any cheese, but dark and depressing cheese. The two went to see Lord of the Rings for the twelfth time. They laughed at the jokes, drooled over Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo, and completely blew off Gandalf's death. They also made Tolkien scream in his grave, but all the hormones blocked it out. Right in the middle of the movie (but during one of the slower parts), something strange, but oh-so-predictable happened. Everyone in the theater stopped moving. They were completely still, and didn't even breathe. The theater screen became larger and larger, and everything else became darker and darker, until all that could be seen was the screen.  
"Pleez b somthing good happenin to me!" Alex thought, if such mindless babble could be referred to as thinking. "Pleez don't b th3 sign of a massive brain tumor or LSD contaminated needle 0n mi theater seate!!!!11!!!"  
"Such 1z the stuffi3 az dreamz rr builded up0n, or somthing! " Thought Phoenix, even less intelligible than her friend. "I wanna se Legsie, cuz, OMG, he'z sooo HOTT!!11111111!!!!!"  
It was at this point, when it seemed certain that Middle-earth would have to endure yet another pair of egregious and horrendous Mary-sues, Tolkien stepped in.  
The author could not just stand by and let all the Sues utterly destroy his works. Dickens was already being snotty enough already, with his bloody books being left alone, and still being respected as classic literature.  
Anyway.  
Tolkien, along with the help of two unnamed assistants, went into the almost invisible plot. They took care not to fall into any of the holes.  
With the help of Plot-Changer Devices, some creative thinking, and the immense power of irony the plot was changed from cheese to something rather humorous.  
And now, back to the regularly scheduled, slightly mutilated Sue story.  
Then, the two girls passed out on the spot.  
The guy behind them noticed as they slumped forward and bashed their heads off the sticky, candy-coated floor.  
"Somebody call 911!" he cried. A few moments later, the two would-be Sues were being loaded into the ambulance.  
They awoke two hours later, and they were told that they had massive brain tumors. Three days later, they died.  
  
This has been your slightly mutilated Sue story. Thank you, and good night.  
  
The End.or Is It? Actually, it is. 


	2. Lanien the Pink

****

Mary-Sue Stories: What Really Happened

[I own my mutilated Mary-Sues. That is all. Tolkien can have his Lord of the Rings.]

****

Chapter Two

Alaraniethlanienthiealalaniethan the Pink was the greatest Istari to ever walk Middle-earth. She was the daughter of Gandalf the Grey and Ilililiananieth the Slightly Red But More Like A Purpleish Blue. Her nickname was Lanien, as no one could pronounce her full name. 

Lanien was on a divine mission. The One Ring had been destroyed, but another greater threat had been discovered. The seven Elemental Crystals were missing from the land of Krystalmere, which was to the east of Middle-earth. Lanien was told to fetch Frodo, reform the Fellowship (ignoring the fact that Boromir was dead, and Aragorn was king), and take them to Krystalmere. 

She ambled down the path through the Shire, humming to herself and plotting how to get Legolas in her clutches—er, to be her friend. Yeah, that's right. 

Lanien the Pink was incredibly beautiful. She had dark brown hair, green-purple-blue-white-silver-gold-brown-cranberry eyes, and lightly tanned skin. Her robes were absolutely spotless, (and a nauseating neon pink) even though she had traveled hard for many months. She leaned on her baby pink staff, and gazed upon Bag End. 

With a happy smile, she dashed up to the green front door, and knocked on it three times with her staff. Frodo answered the door. 

"Can I help you?" he asked politely.

"I am here to take you on a quest, Frodo," Lanien the Pink said, with surprisingly decent grammar.

"I'm sorry, miss, but I believe you are mistaken," Frodo replied. "I have no intention of going on another quest." He said this with a tone that implied that he was not going to go with her, thank-you-very-much.

"I must be—mistaken, then," Lanien stammered, getting the hint. "I apologize."

"Do not worry over it, miss," Frodo answered. "Good day to you."

He shut the door.

Lanien muttered a few nonsense words, and she disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.

~~

When Lanien appeared, she was in Mirkwood. By her powers of Sue, she had commanded that a letter be sent to Legolas stating the importance of his cooperation. Unfortunately for her, the plot was severely screwed up, and the letter had disappeared. 

Lanien waltzed right through Mirkwood, ignoring the fact that she should've been shot full of arrows by the elves. She managed to get right near the entrance to the home of Thranduil. Then, the plot shuddered. It began to collapse. 

All of this was unnoticed by the Sue.

Out of the trees there came spiders. Dozens of spiders rushed from the depths of Mirkwood, spurred by some unknown, powerful spirit that was really ticked off at Lanien. They swarmed around the startled Istari, clacking their pincers threateningly.

"Fresh meat!" one clicked.

"Shall we 'ang it for a while?" another asked.

"Kill it now, kill it now!" a spider hissed. 

The mass of spiders hissed in agreement. Lanien wielded her baby pink staff, and tried to fend them off.

"Ldifan-aflekuf, laefjoag leubaodhf dlfuaeg!" she cried. Lightning should have come down from the sky, striking the spiders. 

Of course, this did not happen. She stood for a few moments with her staff held high, looking incredibly comical. 

The spiders laughed and jeered at Lanien the Pink. They then swarmed over her, biting her. Poison rushed through her veins, and she passed out. 

Needless to say, the spiders were rather satisfied with their dinner that night.

The End.


	3. Mauve, the Queen of the Fae

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Chapter 3

Mauve the fairy flitted through the forest of Faewood. She was a beautiful thing, with reddish-orange-yellow hair, and blue-green-purple eyes that were as bright as stars. No one could look her in the face, because they got a _really _bright light in the face. She was a very powerful fairy, and she could command the weather and do all the things that show up in X-Men comics. 

Mauve was the queen of the Fae. She was dressed in the finest green silk, and a wreath of ivy leaves crowned her head. Unfortunately, it was _poison _ivy. Her forehead got a very nasty rash on it. Mauve was constantly rubbing her forehead. 

She had a bit of a… thing… for Aragorn, which would become a plot-point later. In all her melodrama and irritatingly perfect beauty, she would capture Aragorn's heart, kill of Arwen, and live happily ever after.

Mauve began to sing. She thought her voice was like birdsong, but really it was more like a bird being choked to death while scratching on a blackboard. In other words, it was very unpleasant. The song was to the melody of a Backstreet Boys song, which just made it even more irritating. It was very cheesy, and used the word 'heart' far too much. After all, a heart really isn't too much to look at; it's just a rather squishy hunk of muscle. 

She flitted through the trees, defying gravity. Her wings were about one foot by five-and-a-half inches, and she was the size of an elf. If the laws of gravity applied to this situation, she would be flapping her wings and going nowhere. Suddenly, she flew right through a convenient inter-dimensional portal. 

When Mauve reappeared, she was in Rivendell. Big surprise. She was just in time for the Council. 

"Well met, friends!" she cried, and landed right in the middle of the council. The elves had their arrows out in an instant, the men drew their swords, and the dwarves hefted their axes to the ready. 

"I do not know your purposes for interrupting this Council, but it would be wise of you to state them!" Elrond said, his tone harsh. An air of nobility surrounded him.

Through a sudden Random Plothole, Mauve knew everything about the Ring, the Fellowship, and everything that was in the movies. After all, the Author couldn't be bothered with _reading _the books. She only drooled over Aragorn during the movies anyway, so she didn't know much about them, either. 

Most of the Council began to fall under her spell. They watched her blankly, every trace of their former character gone. The only ones that resisted the Mary-Sue's spell was Elrond and Gimli. But, alas for the dwarf, because though his mind was his to command, his body was not. He couldn't lift a finger to stop Mauve.

"I have come tohelp the Ringberer!" she cried, trying to out-noble Elrond. "I will help him bear the burden, for the Ring cannot effect me!"

With that statement, Mauve (somehow) swooped down to the pedestal in the middle of the Council, while scratching her head a bit. She reached her hand out to the Ring. Her fingers were scarcely a breath away when she felt a sudden sharp pain. When she turned around, she saw Aragorn. He had stabbed her with a dagger. His breath came in sharp gasps, as though he had just run a great distance.

Aragorn had freed himself from the Sue's spell, and was determined to stop her from taking the Ring. He did not know if she was a spy of Sauron's. Aragorn suspected it was so, because she looked fair but felt foul. 

Mauve moaned in despair, and imploded. There was a sudden burst of pink glitter, and Middle-earth saw no more of Mauve, Queen of the Fae.

It did, however, take three days to get rid of the stupid pink glitter.


End file.
